How to disagree without being disagreeable: Experts share tips for respectful conversations

Why is it hard to disagree well? It's a question many Australians have been deeply considering since a shocking attack on a federal MP and the subsequent national conversation about civility, respect and social cohesion.

Academics Daniel Heller and Farid Zaid have spent years discussing with thousands of Australians how to disagree better on topics that keep them up at night, from geopolitics and climate to reproductive ethics and social media. They co-direct the Brave Conversations Project, a Monash University initiative that combines psychology, neuroscience, education and philosophy to help people talk across their differences.

The attack has prompted Australians to consider social cohesion.

Understanding the role of emotion in disagreement

"In our age of polarisation, it can often be very, very challenging to distinguish between someone who says, 'I dispute your view', and someone who is saying, 'I am attacking you, I dispute your very right to exist'," says Dr Heller.

Emotion, he says, plays "a huge, huge, huge role" and understanding that means "learning to become aware of what's happening, even physiologically sometimes … to accept that the emotions are a normal part of conflict … but then to remember that we have the agency between that first initial flush of emotion and what we do next."

"There is always that space between to reflect, to pause and to act in ways that are wise and that really come from a place of heart and values," he said.

Governor-General urges Australians to follow MP's example

Governor-General Sam Mostyn, a close friend of the MP, revealed that just a fortnight ago, she and the MP had a deep conversation about the woeful state of public and political discourse. "We talked about the need for greater civility and engagement across our civic and public life," she said during a press conference.

"It's important to remember: words matter. Whether spoken or in written form or, increasingly, in the virtual world."

She implored Australians to "learn or re-learn to exercise our muscle of decency".

"Australians are yearning for kindness and care, and they're asking us why we've lost the great skill of disagreeing well and with decency to each other."

Research shows Australians value respect

The Scanlon Foundation Research Institute will release the findings from its annual study into social cohesion in Australia, a snapshot of how Australians work together, their public attitudes and their behaviour. Institute CEO Anthea Hancocks says the research shows there are reasons for optimism.

"Generally, the majority of the population believe in respect, believe in a fair go, believe in people being able to have a voice in government, but being respectful if they disagree with them," she says.

"But I think for some people disagreeing well is really hard work."

"And if you get entrenched in the sense that your view is the right view, rather than simply a view, then you do tend to end up with people who will not listen on the other side."

Tips for disagreeing well

Dr Zaid and Dr Heller believe it's possible to learn the key skills of listening, testing people's ideas and challenging them in ways that kick conversations along, rather than shut them down. They recommend asking thoughtful questions in an effort to understand other people's points of view.

Examples of such questions include:

• "What I'm hearing is … did I get that right?"
• "What led you to feel that way?"
• "Can you help me understand why you feel strongly about this?"
• "What experiences shaped your perspective on this?"
• "How confident are you, on a scale of 0–100?"

If they say "90 per cent", answer: "Tell me about that other 10 per cent".

"For us, a successful disagreement is one in which both people leave feeling that they've been taken seriously, even if neither has shifted an inch," says Dr Zaid.

"Sometimes we need to be comfortable leaving a question open, resisting that very human desire to have the final word."

"When you discover that you can disagree profoundly with someone and still enjoy their company, you become a little less frightened of encountering difference in the world."

"Disagreement, when it's done well, can be a pathway to not just learning, not just innovation, not just personal growth, but also authentic human connection," Dr Heller says.